hungergames

Script Mash Up – The Hunger Games & The Real Housewives

ESTABLISHING SHOT – FOREST CLEARING- HUNGER GAMES

13 pedestals erupt out of the ground; each supporting a particular HOUSEWIFE featured on The Real Housewives franchise on Bravo TV.

Acres of green grass surround them followed by a thick circular forest.

To the right is a large tent full of crates and supplies. Next to it sits a large heap of weapons.  Axes, bow and arrows, hammers, machetes, rifles- you name it.

SFX: Microphone sound

The Housewives look up above for the source of the sound, but there’s only blue sky.

ANDY COHEN V.O

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you the 13 district competitors!

SFX: Crowd Cheers

RAMONA SINGER is from district 1, wearing a tennis skirt, glittery tank top, and a newly crafted wine holder/fanny pack made by REI.

RAMONA

Who says you can’t have it all? I am totally going to win this because I am a successful business woman and I look like Cameron Diaz’s mother. Sister. I mean sister. Aviva’s going to have a heart attack when she sees all this grass.

Next WE SEE TERESA GUIDICE, who’s snacking on a lean chicken cutlet and wearing a tight leopard mermaid dress.

TERESA

Don’t you dare bring my mother into this.

ANDY COHEN V.O

Uhh, Teresa no one brought your mother into it.

TERESA

I didn’t say Melisa was a stripper. I said she liked to slide up and down on a metallic tube. That’s totally different.

ANDY COHEN V.O

Uhh, Teresa no one cares about that anymore.

TERESA

I didn’t get money from that story about anyone, they just wrote me a check and I told them the story.

SFX: Crickets Chirp

CUT TO:

INT. BROTHEL-NEW JERSEY- SAME

Joe Guidice is getting a lap dance while quietly cheering on his wife. The PROSTITUTE looks at the T.V curious:

PROSTITUTE

Who’s that lady?

JOE

That’s just my hoe bag wife, doing hoe bag things.

PROSTITUTE

So you two aren’t that close anymore?

JOE

Oh, we’re close and all, but she’s still a hoe bag.

PROSTITUTE

Oh wait a minute, you guys are on that show the wives or something, right? You’re the one going to jail!

JOE

I’m not going to jail. That’s just stupid.

Suddenly a warrant for his arrest is thrown at his face out of nowhere.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING – SAME

GIGGY appears on his own pedestal, snarling and barking at the pedestal next to him containing TAMARA BARNEY- wearing a pink bathing suit. She’s got “SIMON SUCKS” tattoo across her chest. She’s got a picture of Gretchen on a locket around her neck and several bracelets with crosses on them.

TAMARA

If Alexis or Vicki are in this game I’ll probably barf all over my Jesus bracelet. (peers into camera) I love you Eddie!! Love you so much!! Eddie!!!!

JACQUELINE LAURITA is next to her from district 5. She’s pretending to be asleep curled up in a heap on the pedestal.

From district 6 is MELISSA GORGA, wearing gold sequin bathing suit top and leather pants.

MELISSA

You ready Jacqueline? Now’s your time. Stand up and fight Teresa once and for all. Mother Jesus and God. Father God and Mary. Jesus Baby. Baby Father. Please protect us as we beat the crap out of Teresa.

Jacqueline pretends to snore.

MELISSA
Seriously Jacqueline, who wouldn’t want to take an axe to Teresa?

Jacqueline wakes up all happy suddenly.

JACQUELINE

Axe? Do they have a nitrogen bomb?

CAROLINE MANZO is fighting for district 7. She’s got a t-shirt on that says, “3 rolls and you’re out”. She’s ready to rumble and motions to Teresa the ol’ “I see you”, with her fingers.

TERESA

Oh whatever, you old maid.

CAROLINE

You’re lucky that most of those weapons over there dictate a quick death for you. I would prefer a slow and painful death like every REAL Italian endures when they are sacrificing themselves for their family.

AVIVA DRESCHER is in the fight for District 8, she’s bolting her leg on. This time it’s made out of gun/fire proof steal. She’s keeping warm in small black yoga pants and matching jacket.  She finds a Xanax stuck to her cheek from the night before and chews it.

AVIVA

Andy?

ANDY COHEN V.O

Yes, Aviva?

AVIVA

Is this Kentucky Blue grass?

ANDY COHEN V.O

Yes, it is. Why?

AVIVA

I know this might sound strange, but when I was 15, I slipped and fell on Kentucky blue grass and whenever I’m around it, I feel like I want to punch Ramona in the face.

ANDY COHEN V.O

Well, you’ll have your chance.

RAMONA SINGER

Shut up Aviva, I’m so hurt by you.

AVIVA

I gave you too many chances Ramona Singer. You have some real issues.

RAMONA SINGER

You’re making a bigger mole. No…wait…a bigger hole. You’re making a bigger hole mill out of this.

NENE LEAKES is fighting in District 9; she’s got her classic smirk on and she’s eye balling the rest of the Contestants with her hands on her hip.

NENE

Ok, ya’ll gonna bring it or what? Probably not. Heh. Hey Tamara, that’s my girl.

TAMARA

What’s up Nene?

NENE

Nothing girl, getting ready to rid the world of a few humans taking up space.

TAMARA

I’ll get your back, and then stab you a few times when you’re not looking.

NENE

Wouldn’t expect anything less girl.

KIM ZOLCIAK is in for District 10, wearing a brand new blonde wig down to her ankles and her boobs pushed up to her chin.

KIM

I figured you’d be here Nene.  When it comes to an all-out brawl, you couldn’t miss this.

NENE

Just like you miss thang. You’re looking more and more like Heidi Montag mixed with Mickey Rourke.

KIM

Really? Well you look like the grease your son stole that I used this morning to cook Kroy’s bacon.

NENE

My son didn’t steal no grease, Kim. I’m so offended you brought the kids into this.

Kim lights a smoke.

AVIVA

Don’t bring innocent grouchy kids into this Kim.

KIM

Who the hell are you?

ELSA PATTON from Miami is in for District 11, wearing a long silk muumuu and holding her tarot cards.

ELSA

Why am I here? I tell you I no want to be here. Andy? Why am I here?

ANDY COHEN V.O

Elsa, we can’t have a party without you. You know that.

KIM blows smoke into Elsa’s face.

ELSA

Andy, can I kill this Amazon Barbie righ now? She drivin me banana.

ANDY COHEN V.O

No Elsa, you have to wait until the game begins.

ELSA

I have to protect my space with sage and corn kernels.

ELSA sprinkles corn on all of the ladies.

TAMARA

Can someone shut up this random old lady? I swear to God I can’t take it.

AVIVA

(Sleepy/Groggy)

Don’t pick on the stupid old lady Tamara.

TAMARA

Who are you? Sleeping Booty?

KIM RICHARDS is in for District 12, wearing an oxygen mask and a rehab center “Promises” t-shirt and hat.

BRANDI GLANVILLE is in for District 13, wearing a pencil thin bikini- she turns around to show a bedazzled design that reads, “I love you LeeAnn”.

BRANDI

Hi bitches!!! I’m here!!!!

TERESA

Oh great, Brandi’s here. I heard she twitters every damn thing you say and do.

BRANDI

I love twitter more than you love your family, Teresa. Your poor children.

TERESA

Oh right. Like you have any family.

BRANDI stares into the camera, sarcastically.

ANDY COHEN V.O

When you hear the button ladies, it’s time to drink. (laughs) just kidding, this aint the clubhouse. Or is it? (laughs). Mazel. We’re about to begin. When the bell rings, go grab your weapons and try and kill each other off. The last wife standing, gets her own spinoff show. The more sponsors out here in the real world that like you, the more we’ll give you goodies and treats during the fight. Mazel!!

SFX- the buzzer goes off.

ALL the ladies except GIGGY and ELSA run to the weapon pile.

ELSA grabs the dog and waddles over to the forest area unnoticed.

TAMARA grabs a backpack full of supplies, an axe, and a handgun. Kim is still smoking a cigarette as she peruses the swords on the inside tent wall.

KIM

I like the pink one with the heart on the handle. What do you think, Teresa?

Teresa is wielding nun chucks – Melissa Gorga is running towards her with a handgun. She shoots but misses and clips Kim’s ear getting blood on her new wig.

MELISSA

Die bitch, die!

KIM

Oh My God you just destroyed my $1000 wig you hoe.

Teresa throws the nun chucks and chops off Melissa’s head.

KIM

Damn! You just totally cut off your sister-in-law’s head?

TERESA

My brother’s going to forgive me for saving him.

SFX: Melissa Gorga’s “I just Wanna”

The music is blaring thru the forest.

Elsa stops walking, holding Giggy, and cringes at the music.

ELSA

I just wanna punch you in the face.

EXT. RIVERBED

Ramona sets up a cabana in a matter of seconds- fit with a massage table.  She’s relaxing and drinking her wine, reading “The Fall of Jill”, by Bethenny Frankel.

Suddenly, an arrow hits her in the head. She falls into the water.

Aviva is seen running near a rock above, laughing.

EXT. EDGE OF FOREST

Caroline is huffing and puffing near the edge of the forest, walking around and making sure no one sees her. She’s got a machete and a rifle.

Suddenly, a little parachute floats down to her. 3 bottles of black water are inside. Caroline chokes up.

CAROLINE

I knew you would come thru Albie. My favorite child.

KIM

Stop. Where. You. Are. I am Chuck Norris’s wife.

Caroline looks up to see Kim Richards standing on a branch in a tree above. She’s pointing a bow and arrow at Caroline.

Caroline

Now, Kim…I really want to talk to you. I’m glad we have this chance together.

KIM

Don’t move. I will shoot. I know Chuck Norris really well.

Caroline

Oh, I don’t doubt you would. Hey, I have a special kind of drink. Do you want to try it?

KIM

I don’t drink a lot right now.

Caroline

Not even water? This is special water.

KIM

I’m not special.

Caroline

I meant the water. Not you.

KIM

Kyle is the special one. I know that. I mean, everyone knows that.

CAROLINE

Kyle is such a bitch sometimes, isn’t she?

KIM

Do you know her? I made her a Christmas gift when we were 10.

CAROLINE

I do. (lying) We’ve talked a few times. I have a really funny story about her.

KIM

I want to know. Then I want to wrap it up and throw it at her.

CAROLINE

Well, come down. I’ll tell you it.

KIM

I’ll come down as long as you give me some water and tell me the story.

CAROLINE

Yes, that is the plan (under breathe) geez.

Kim starts to climb down the tree; she falls to the ground and lands on her back.

CAROLINE

My god, are you ok? (laughs)

Caroline shoots her on the ground and walks away rolling her eyes.

EXT. CLEARING – NIGHTTIME

It’s now dark, and you can see several plumes of smoke all around the forest.

Brandi Glanville is slithering across the grass trying to grab a crate in the middle of the area. In fact, there are 4 boxes with a special prize inside.

Suddenly, Tamara is running towards one of the boxes.

Brandi gets up off the ground and starts running towards her. Nene is also running for a special box.

The three of them stop in the middle, staring at each other, and they all lean down to pick up a box.

NENE

We cool?

TAMARA

I agree. Let’s just have a time out.

BRANDI

I’m not sure about this. You two are big players. I mean, inevitably we’re going to have to kill everyone else, right?

The three Women stare each other down.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline takes a machine gun and shoots all three Women dead. She picks up all 4 boxes.

Jacqueline

Never underestimate me, bitches.

SFX: Countess Luann Chic C’est le vie

EXT. MOUNTAIN AREA- SAME NIGHT

Kim is sitting on a rock filing her nails. A parachute comes down with Dom Perignon.

KIM

Oh yea!!! Thanks Baby!

Suddenly, Giggy runs up and bites Kim’s wig off.

KIM

What? Get back here you rat!

Elsa appears from behind a tree and simply trips Kim. She falls to her death over a cliff.

Giggy brings the wig to Elsa.

Elsa uses the wig as rope and starts flying thru the trees like Tarzan.

ANDY COHEN V.O

Okay ladies, here’s a quick Mazel update. Kim Z, Nene, Ramona, Tamara, Brandi, Melissa and Kim R are all dead. Jacqueline, Caroline, Aviva, Elsa, Giggy, Teresa are in it to win it. May the best Bravo Wife or dog win!!!

INT. CAVE- SAME NIGHT

Teresa has a fire burning in a cave. She’s laid out all leopard designed blankets and pillows.

TERESA

I can’t believe Caroline is still alive. What a drag.

Jacqueline sees the smoke coming from the cave and sneaks into the entrance.

TERESA

(talking to herself)

You’re so stupid Joe. Yes. I mean how can you even think that I would kill your sister? I would NEVER. I mean NEVER.

Suddenly, Jacqueline walks up with an axe.

Teresa slowly looks up.

JACQUELINE

Fancy meeting you here, Teresa.

TERESA

You’re not going to kill me. You may hate me, but you can’t kill this Italian blood. It’s written all over the stars.

JACQUELINE

I’m tired of listening to your bullshit. Chris is also just as tired.

TERESA
Oh yea? Well Joe is tired of your crap too. (high pitched screech) What do you expect huh? You did me wrong and now you’re going to pay.

Teresa grabs her sword. The two engage in combat. Teresa cuts off Jacqueline’s arm.

JACQUELINE

You cut off my limb, you hooker!!

TERESA

You’re the hooker!!

Jacqueline swings and chops off Teresa’s legs. She’s now a stump. Teresa throws a grenade at Jacqueline, she blows up. Only her head is now rolling on the cave floor staring and cursing at Teresa. Jacqueline’s rogue arm has a grenade and it throws it at the remaining parts of Teresa. Together they both blow up into smithereens.

SFX: microphone sound- feedback.

ZOILA V.O

Hey you guyzzzz, this is Swoila. Andy tell me to tell you that Teresa and Jacquewine are now dead.

JEFFREY LEWIS V.O

Zoila, hurry up we need to go.

ZOILA V.O

But, I tell them what to do next.

JEFFREY LEWIS V.O

You can’t give them hints, Zoila. You have to just let them fight on their own (mumbles quickly)- Caroline go to the center.

EXT. FOREST AREA

Caroline hears Jeff’s mumbling tip and runs for the center.

WE SEE Elsa standing there in the middle with Giggy dead in her arms.

Caroline walks up slowly.

CAROLINE

How did Giggy pass?

ELSA

Oh, he have no water.

CAROLINE

That’s very sad. Seeing as how there is a river.

ELSA
We no find that river in time.

CAROLINE

I see this going one of two ways.

ELSA
Oh really? I see one.

CAROLINE

I see two.

ELSA
Well, I am psychic and I see one.

Elsa throws Giggy, who’s actually still alive right at Caroline’s neck. She’s mauled to death.

Elsa finishes it up by shooting a gun at Caroline’s head.

ELSA

That’s what I see.

Giggy barks at her.

ELSA

We have to now find sthe skinny sbitch.

Giggy starts to get sad and whines. A parachute drops down and delivers a fresh new face for Elsa, and doggie treats for Giggy. The two are happy and dance around the forest together.

WE SEE Aviva walking thru the forest. She’s using two large trees as legs—hiding up above so no one can harm her.

Elsa and Giggy are dancing below her. She waits for the right time.

Aviva kicks her large tree leg up and knocks Elsa and Giggy to the ground. Giggy is hurt and can’t move. Elsa is bleeding.

AVIVA

You can’t mess with me Elsa. I’m too high up.

ELSA

You scrawny little….I don’t even know whats yous are. I cannot stand to even looks at syou.

AVIVA

I can’t even make out a word you say old lady.

Aviva stomps on them and runs into the center of the forest.

ANDY COHEN V.O

Aviva, you are the winner of the Hunger Games. You have survived the best of the worst and endured countless hours in nature.

Suddenly, Elsa’s GHOST comes up and pushes Aviva off of her tree trunk legs, and she falls to her death.

Elsa and Giggy in ghost form dance and laugh.

ANDY COHEN V.O

Wait a minute, in a huge twist, Elsa and Giggy come back from the dead to kill Aviva! Who would have thunk it? These two are now the winners!!!

About: Michelle:
Entertainment writer..

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