Mel Gibson To Replace Simon Cowell~!!

I came up with a top list of jobs for Mel Gibson since he’s now free.  Perhaps he can start fresh with a new career and a new life. Feel free to comment and add your ideas as well.  If you can’t beat em, make fun of them!

1. Antelope Valley State Prison Warden

2. Kate Gosselin’s Assistant

3. KinderCare Corporate Trainer

4. Abilify Commercial Personality

5. Costco Sampler Coordinator

6. Simon’s Replacement on American Idol

7. Carl’s Jr. Drive Thru Operator

8. Wal-Mart Greetings Specialist

9. Manny Ramirez’s Manager

10. Chicken Parts Processor

11. QVC Salesperson- Rose Garden Tools & Seeds

12. Owner of Plastic Clothing Store on Las Vegas BLVD

12.  The Premier Ebay Braveheart Collection Seller

Eastbound & Down Is Moving Up

Here’s a quick low down on the show and don’t get mad at me for being lazy and copying this from IMDB:

Eastbound & Down is a comedy show from HBO, starring Danny McBride as Kenny Powers, a former professional baseball pitcher, who after an amazing career is forced to return to his hometown middle-school in Shelby, North Carolina as a substitute physical education teacher.[1] Will Ferrell and Adam McKay received an order for six episodes for the first season from HBO.[2] The series is being produced by Will Ferrell’s production company, Gary Sanchez Productions. The show premiered February 15, 2009, at 10:30p.m. [3] On April 8, 2009, HBO announced it had renewed the series for a second season.

Okay, so now that you know the plot of the series, I want to give you my take on the action. I watched every episode ON DEMAND (love this stuff on the weekends!) and I couldn’t stop watching them. I spent my entire evening watching this show because it made me laugh and take a load off. Isn’t that what most people want their comedy television shows to accomplish?

This is definitely not a show you want to have your 4-year-old watch but it’s funny to watch it as an adult; Kenny Powers says everything you wish you could say. He’s got the worst mullet I have ever seen and just thinking about him trying to be sexy gives me the willies!

Here’s a clip to give you some love: Best Of Kenny Powers

Kenny Powers is a foul-mouthed, egotistical and semi-dumb character while his brother and sister in law are nice red necks who take him in when he loses his baseball career. Will Ferrell plays a BMW dealership owner with blonde white long hair who antagonizes Kenny about his current lack of star power.

At first you watch the show and say to yourself, “Okay that’s pretty funny…” and you realize you start to care about the characters too.  The whole deal is, Kenny does the most ridiculous stuff to get himself back into the limelight but it just never quite works out. I think it’s similar to the MIDDLE which takes a quick wit, semi-white trash view on middle class families. The show will also remind you of Talladega Nights.

When Kenny is dumped by a girl, that he’s gone back and forth with for most of the season, he retreats to his jet ski; wearing jeans, and a dress shirt. Did I mention that he does drugs and sniffs cocaine off of the barrell of a gun as a farewell gift to himself? Yah, it’s completely ridiculous and great. Be prepared for breasts, brawling, beer and brainless antics- and you’re good to go. Peace Out!

Rating: Not an intellectual gem but does the job of entertainment- B+ 

Voted Best Explanation Of Lost’s Season Finale

I’d love to be a hater and tell you the writers really LOST our adoration during the finale but I’d be lying. I thought the finale was amazingly beautiful and everything I had hoped it would be.

For those of you hoping for more concrete answers in the final episode of Lost you have to realize that millions of people would never be satisfied no matter the answers given. The finale was ambiguous in certain ways to cater to your own spiritual and religious beliefs. Most of us loved Lost because of the characters and that’s exactly what they focused on in the end.

Some say that we make soul pacts with each other before we are even born into this world. Some say we can have multiple chances to come to earth as we try and become better and better each time. We pick our soul mates, our families, our friends..all in hopes that we can take the journey together.

Sylvia Browne and others talk about how our soul paths were chosen long before you were born.  My point is this isn’t some brand new concept. This idea is important because it has to do with how the story played out the way it did. LOST is Jack’s purgatory and the characters around him we’re really in his life at one point or another.

Their essence and purpose remains with him in purgatory to continue to play out what Jack needs to learn in order to pass on. It’s not to say that this wasn’t the other’s purgatory as well, but Jack was the focus in the end.

You can think of the island as a hub for your spiritual body to defeat the ultimate enemy and enter the gates into heaven. In order to gain enough power to defeat this enemy, you have to learn how to truly love and live. None of these characters really knew how to do that before coming to the island.  In a way the island makes me feel like perhaps we don’t just have lives on Earth but maybe we live out lives in various planes of existence in order to become true celestial and refined beings. Trippy eh?

The Dharma Intiative doesn’t just encompass the people on the island who were trying to “control” it’s power of destiny. “Dharma” also refers to the following: law, stages of life, religious texts, ethical conduct and righteous duty. This was a direct reflection on the purpose of Jack’s presence on the island- to control what he never could in his real life.

It would make sense that some people on the island were trying to find ways to control and manipulate their destiny or soul contract. Maybe they don’t have to defeat this enemy if they blow up the island. Maybe they can just go back to the way life was before they landed there.  Maybe they can build a boat and sail away to safety.  Maybe the electromagnetic burst will send them back to what they once called home. What they didnt realize is that they had a few more contracts to live out and these contracts would be decided based upon their choices on the island. If they made bad choices or still needed to learn other lessons, their “earth bound” lives changed to match them. These are the sideways stories.

In the finale, we jump down to earth (or in this case fly on a plane) hoping that we would somehow remember our original soul contracts with each other when we pass each other on the street.  We hope that our souls will recognize familiar eyes and fall in love all over again. The fact is, there is no guarantee because you’re jumping into blackness and believing in non-tangible emotions in the midst of a million obstacles.  This is the heart of LOST. This is the heart of LIFE.

Will these characters recognize the giant leaps they have taken for each other in their earthly bodies???? Will Jack be able to pass on because he’s lived the way he should? Yes. The bond was so powerful that it held together despite time and distance.

If you recall when the characters came together in the finale they touched each other and suddenly remembered who they were, what decisions they made and why they came back again. This is what was so touching for me because their bond was so powerful that they actually remembered the soul connection on the island.   Don’t worry about wondering if they were truly dead or not.  The spiritual side of us never dies and that’s the part that takes on our wisdom from this life. We could be dead right now and never know it. Death is always representative of change and moving to the next contract or phase of everlasting life. Yes, these characters could have been dead the moment the plane hit the sand in the season pilot. It doesnt really matter though because your spirit can go back and live as often as necessary until it’s ready to move on.

We always knew the island was some sort of cork between heaven and hell designed to test every last ounce of our character. Jacob says in an episode that the island is between both options so it leads you to believe that work must be done in order to gain access to the “heaven” concept.  Some people believe that the reason we are on earth is to refine our souls for something as perfect as “heaven”.  Let’s face it, we’re pretty rough around the edges and it’s not until we experience true wisdom that we can be better people.

A lot of viewers had a hard time with the sideways stories but these stories are what made this show extra special.  You can say that perhaps the sideways stories were multiple attempts to live in “real” life with each other depending on these incestuous ever-changing soul contracts.  In the end, the island gave them the ties that they were not given in their original lives; a redemption.  This is why each sideway story changed from season to season. First we see Kate and Jack together and then they come back to the island and it changes again. Next we see Jack with a son and his ex-wife is Juliet. If you follow the stories through the season it mimics the need for redemption they felt on the island.

Jack felt terrible for the loss of Juliet and then he’s suddenly married to her in the next sideways story.  As Sawyer progresses and becomes a better person he’s now a good guy detective in his sideways story.  Claire realizes she misses her son and wants to be a mother and suddenly she’s pregnant with the chance again. The Oceanic airline was just like the boat taking you across the river Styx. It was a way for soul pacts to come into fruition and these people are just a few we were able to spy on during this process.

If you recall, the creators wrote the story with the computer game “Myst” in mind.  Myst is a game where you are trying to find something on an island and opening doors and finding keys.  Here is what wikipedia says of the game Myst:  “Myst puts the player in the role of the Stranger, who uses a special book to travel to the island of Myst. There, the player uses other special books written by an artisan and explorer named Atrus to travel to several worlds known as “Ages”. Clues found in each of these Ages help reveal the back-story of the game’s characters. The game has several endings, depending on the course of action the player takes.”

Did you notice that Ben decided to stay behind?  This is the only character out of the bunch who didn’t earn his stars so to speak.  Ben did not grow the same way the other characters did and he was often wishy washy in many of his scenes vibrating from truly evil to sad and lonely. It’s not a surprise that he’s left behind to be a spirit sitting there….waiting…pondering…while the others are ready to move on. Some could say this was a hint at an earth bound spirit. I do believe the Lost creators welcomed the idea that this story could be taken in a very existential manner or a very hardcore time warping Gilligan’s island story. You can pick.

So, to all of you who worked on, acted on, wrote on, produced on, directed on and helped on the production of Lost- thank you for creating something powerful, meaningful and epic.

Brooke Hogan Has Clay Aiken Style Her CD Cover

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I love seeing things that automatically get my sarcastic juices flowing. This has to be the best thing I have seen all day. This even beats out my previous post on Madonna’s nude painting -done by Oscar the Grouch.  Brooke really has this circa 1973 -fairy-tacky- sparkle dust- pastel eyeshadow thing going that has absolutely no presence in style and fashion TODAY.  This looks like Clay Aiken threw up all over it.. after eating all of American Idol’s disco balls from the Nokia Theater.

Star Trek Will Live Long And Prosper

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Who would have thought that the new generation of actors would actually impress me in this remake? Chris Pine was born to play this character and although he blew me away (where did he come from?) the real star for me was Spock’s character played by Zachary Quinto. He brought the character back to life with a new flair; the younger-more inexperienced Spock to the teenager- to the young man embarking on an incredible adventure with Captain Kirk. It’s with Spock that the real story begins and ends. What I like most about this film is the incredible thought the writers gave to each character. They added just enough layers to make these characters exciting and new- yet reminiscent.

sylar

I’m suprised that this film wasn’t a cheesy Zach Efron-esque vehicle for Chris Pine. This was a movie truly for the Star Trek fans with a consistantly Star Trek enemy and federation standards of operations.  The intensity added into the story due to the progression of relationships that we all love from the past was the cherry on top. It’s like being able to ride a brand new Disneyland Star Wars ride for the first time. Everything is renewed and suddenly, the park is fun again- even if you aren’t a kid anymore.

To give you a little taste of the plot, Kirk’s Dad is killed by a rogue Romulan who is out to seek revenge. But wait…it gets good when the plot unveils some really cool reasons why they want revenge. I can’t give it away. Sorry- you’ll have to go read other blogs for that. I think part of the greatness of seeing this film is not knowing too much beforehand. I’d criticize the film for being cliche on a few of the “Star Wars” esque “father dies so you take on the quest on the Enterprise”…but they made it believable with good character development for Chris Pine as well as decent dialogue- so it’s fine…and you buy it.

The special effects in this film are truly unique- down to a hairsplitting..nail biting escapade with the enemy with only seconds to beam back. Yup, this film gives all new meaning to “Beam Me Up Scotty”.  Also, you have a great cast with actors from Shaun of the Dead, Harold and Kumar and Miss Zoe Saldana who plays a great Nyota Uhura. Eric Bana plays Nero- the enemy in this film…and the real SPOCK makes a cameo. The story is…when Leonard Nimoy makes a cameo they were actually going to have William Shatner enter in the picture- but they nixed it. Media is reporting Shatner was quite upset at the new generation and new script. After seeing the film, I hope he’s changed his mind.

It’s no doubt this film is going to have sequels galore- and I welcome it. Transformers is merely a crumb compared to this film.  You want a good time – go see the film. You’ll be just as surprised as I was.

Save Your Money On “Quarantine”.

quarantine

My Itunes movie window for Quarantine is still open (unfinished) and I refuse to watch the rest of it. I cannot subject myself to anymore. It’s that bad. I can watch some lame movies but this one tops the list.  Someone had a great idea to document an actual bio hazard “event” in an apartment complex in which the residents are locked inside and forced to fend for themselves. First, the documentary angle is more annoying than it is “spooky” for me. I yelled several times..”STOP MOVING THE DAMN CAMERA”…and no one heard me except my neighbors and scared pets. For me at least, the effect was not what the director wanted. I saw way too many butts, half views of arms…and the occasional supposed to be spooky mummy or rat. A few points go to the attempt at the documentary horror film.  If you want to see a great documentary style see Rachel Getting Married- and my recent review for the film.

Picture accelerated rabies and infected residents with nightgowns on. It’s a really bad version of Shaun of the Dead.  It’s the learning curve of 28 Days Later. I didn’t see anything new and exciting in this film..and that’s coming from someone who will watch every scary film just to feel “scared” and see something different.

It reminds me of that video game “Left 4 Dead” …but not quite as good.

Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter, Exorcism Of Emily Rose) opens the film up as she reports a lifestyle piece about the firefighters in the area. Just maybe, they will be lucky enough to go on an actual call and shadow-spy. This portion of the film lasts a cruel and lengthy 30 minutes. It’s reminiscent of water boarding. She’s not a terrible actress but this was too much. Horror fans need some meat to chew on or we get bored. So finally, they go on a call to an apartment- aka- rabies land. Old ladies and kids eventually get the disease and blood smears the walls. Is it exceptional action? No. Like I said…that’s it really. Maybe I should finish the film and try and see if they redeem themselves towards the end.

Nah.

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